why do you have to ask questions you dont really know if you want the answers to? I'm back into depressed mode and it sux....i hate this and just wanna give up on the whole situation but i cant cuz i care too much and i'm tired of this perpetual turmoil my brain is in...do i fight for what i want and give even for or just throw in the towel, cuz chances are its gonna be and epic failure? FUCK IT ALL!! BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it sux that even a funny sitcom show can make you feel worse in ur state of depression. The show is all about friendships, sex, relationships and stuff like that and it just throws my mind in to a whirlwind of mixed emotions...sex, yeah need it badly right now, everyone else around me gets it....well ALOT of it, and its not like there arent a couple ppl i could go to right now and be like 'um yeah i need sex so how bout you help me out in this predicament' but i dont want that meaningless random sex just to get off...but i see a show where a guy does anything to show a certain girl he cares for just how he feels...and i makes me sad cuz i just want that one guy to show me and give me hope.

i heard a line from my show and it really caught my attention...'time spent wishing is wasted time'....man have i wasted alot of time in my life....especailly these past couple weeks....the one thing i really wish for doesnt look like it'll happen anytime soon....but i'm a hopeless wishful person that'll just keep wishing this deep down inside and maybe one day it'll come true....ugh i ran outta mixer for my vodka.....

i hate my brain sometimes.
a freaking horrible day at work yesterday put my brain into overdrive
i cried the whole way home from the clinic
took a hot shower, and just sat under the steaming water, crying.

i'm tired of cryin,
i'm tired of hurting,
i'm tired of pain,
i'm tired of being sick,
i'm tired of being lonely,
i'm tired of living in a dream world,
i'm tired of peoples bullshit,
i'm tired of stuborness,
i'm tired of this,
i'm tired of that,
i'm tired of all the feelings i have that possibly arent returned
i'm tired of trying to think i can help eveyone,
i'm tired of feeling guilty when i shouldn't
i'm tired of wishful thinking,
i'm tired of work,
i'm tired of feeling strongly for some things when i probably shouldn't
i'm tired of feeling depressed.....
i'm tired OF IT ALL!!!

it was a shitty day yesterday and today doesnt seem better, I try and be there for everyone all the time when they need me and when i really need to talk, or vent or just need a shoulder to cry on its not there...i just kinda got really depressed all of a sudden and i'm not feeling any better, i hate being such an emotional girl sometimes, i just have a lot of passion in me and no one to share it with or whatever, i sit at home alone most of the time talking on line to a silly boy i adore and what do i get outta that? i get joy cuz i'm getting to talk to him but i also get pain and heartache cuz thats all it is is just talking over a damn computer, i wanna sit by him and talk to him face to face and hold his freakin hand again.....boo i hate being alone and feeling like this...i dunno what to do anymore i cant be all emo sad like this, i was doin ok until yesterday, everything just feel apart, i was being strong and it just stopped....i'm tired of this! BOO!

WooT

Yay for finally feeling better and sitting around in new boy short panties and being lazy just playing around online!! feels good!! lol! it was a stressful day yesterday, i keep worrying about my ex cuz he's in a bad place but i think and hope he'll snap outta it a get on a better path, all i can do is hope and try and give him the best advice possible....but I feel better so i may go get a tattoo today!!! wooooohoooooo! OH!!! and i may possibly go back to see the boy in November for my birthday! i hope so cuz i miss him and the pretty state of Oregon!!!

*oh and thank you Megan for introducing me to the BADASS version of Lollipop by Framing Hanley!!!! So sexy!!*

why is it that things just don't work out the way you want them to? I just sux, you make a big decision in your life and you finally realize you made the right decision but its still hard at times, then the one person that really helped you through this crazy difficult time is gone, and all you wanna do is spend time with them? It sux, I did something stupid and fell for someone I shouldn't have cause I knew he was leaving but I still had to fall for him...now he's freakin over a thousand miles away and it hurts even more that I just saw him last week. I miss him even more and its so hard to deal with it! I'm just lost and I don't know how to feel anymore...do I continue to like him even though hes so far away and it doesn't look like he'll be coming back to Tx anytime soon or give up? I don't wanna give up though cuz hes such a kickass guy, but how long to I wait?

lakehwrojqawrnfl;zdkuw3j vweksd9aruaewjdclk <---thats how my freakin brain feels right now! lol!

Oregon vacation

well I'm back in Texas from my vacation to Oregon =( I had a freaking blast though!! I'm just sad because I miss that boy like crazy already!

So it was my first time to fly all by myself and surprisingly I did quite well if I may say so myself! lol! I got to the airport plenty early so I was able to have a drink at the bar to calm my nerves! I flew from DFW to Phoenix and had like an hour layover there then the plane was delayed by like 30 minutes then I flew from there into Portland Oregon! I was just so damn excited to be there I called Jonathan as soon as I got off the plane and was like 'I'M HERE I'M HERE WHERE ARE YOU AT...." well I got the bad news that none of his roommates wanted to get into rush hour traffic to go to the airport so I had to get on some little train thingy all by myself and then they were gonna pick me up from the station....I was a lil upset cuz I just wanted to see him and didn't want to travel alone anymore! But it was ok...the train took about an hour and I got off and waited at the station for him! After about 10 minutes he pulled up with his room mate and I ran up to him and gave him a BIG hug and a kiss and I wasn't upset anymore that I had to take the train by myself! It was worth it!!! The night I got in we just kinda lounged around and ordered pizza and I must say I was very entertained by the pizza tracker online! LOL!! it freakin tells you step by step the progress of your pizza! ZOMG it was fun!! lol!!! anywho it was just a lazy movie night and we got to cuddle and I enjoyed every minute of cuddling!! I missed it so much!! and I missed everything else we ended up doing that night! lol...dirty drity naughty things!! =) the next day we walked to the movie theater to see Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder! They were both really funny! Man we walked SOOOOOO much! but it was just so pretty outside it was nice to walk everywhere, though it did get a lil Nippy at night! lawl! oh but sleeping with the windows open was wonderful! I love the cool night air blowing in through the windows.....oh I wanna go back! We also took the train into Portland and played around there for the day! Yay for walking by the river, and street festivals and Chinese food YUMMY, finally we went into buffalo wild wings and spent a couple hours in there drinking and hanging out! We got a lil tipsy and it was fun!

*my yummy drink at BWW*

So Portland was fun and we were so tired when we got back in we took like a 3 hr nap!! lol! then I think I drank more Vodka!! lol! I ended up drinking a whole bottle of Vodka by myself while I was up there! teehee! Then my last day there we made a trip to the Oregon Zoo! it was lots of fun as well, I felt like a lil kid cuz I love the zoo! we also went back into Portland after the zoo to go eat some Ice Cream by the river, it was cute! =) the next day was super hard and sad though cuz it was time for me to leave=( and the morning just sucked, first the bus we had to take to the train station thingy was like 45 minutes late, so we get on the train and i start to kinda cry which i did off and on the whole train ride but he just kept his arms around me and would kiss me and tell me it'll be ok....i just didn't wanna leave! So by the time we got to the airport and i got checked in (which they barely let me even check in) i had to run from security to the gate....I'm still super sad that because I was in such a rush I barely even got to give him a hug and kiss bye! so I was running through the airport crying my eyes out and was the last person to board my flight I think, but I called him when i boarded so he knew I made cuz he stuck around just incase I missed my flight! And i cried to him saying I didn't even get to really say goodbye and that broke my heart! =( so we headed to Vegas and I either cried of slept the whole way there! my layover in vegas was long and I felt sick so it sucked! Me and Jonathan are actually both sick right now...I think it was from the cool weather and just all the activitiy we did caught up to us! But on my flight back from Vegas to DFW Vinny Paul sat 2 rows behind me!! That was pretty badass!!! I finally got home around 1:30 in the morning and just talked to the boy online for a while and finally crashed! the next day I was so Emo and I still am! haha! I'm just sad cuz I miss him and don't know when I'll see him again....maybe I can find another cheap flight and go back up there when its all snowy outside!! WooT!! I just wish the goober would move back down here and then I'd be happy!! lawl!!

*happy tipsy face*

ugh sometimes i hate him...

So I'm sick and tired of bending over backwards to help out my EX Nick, i've taken him to the hospital, gave him gas money, bought him food, given him money for groceries, bought his perscriptions from the Hospital trip and all around been a great friend to him for what??? nothing obviously!! Saturday evening he and I planned to meet up for lunch on Sunday afternoon, and he cancels on me at 6:00am that morning! So i'm trying to call him all day and text him to find out why the hell hes 'not gonna make it' and he jackass doesnt even have enough respect to answer my calls or texts...then to make matters worse i need a cell phone charger cuz mine broke and I went to like 4 stores and couldnt find one, BUT i know he has an extra so i'm also calling to see if i could borrow it for my trip! finally we talk and i get pissed off cuz hes a rude fucktard! I end up goin to the shop he works at and told him to come outside and talk to me like a man, not a lil scared pussy that cant answer my calls! I was really pissed and for once spoke my mind and stood my ground.....he was fucking some chick in what used to be OUR bed so he couldnt make it to lunch with me!...some friend he is...I'm like over him and dont give 2 shits who he fucks or whatever, but to cancel on me for that reason is fucked up, i've been there for him so much and thats how he repays me....um....ASSHOLE! the kicker is that he was wanting to see me so badly before i go to oregon and we make plans then he wants to break em.....ugh i hate stupid people with their heads up their asses!

updates...

ok...this was a stressful weekend/beginning of the week, so glad its almost over! my lil Hulk is doing somewhat better!! Monday night when I brought him home from work with me i let him run around the living room and he found one of his tennis balls and started playing!! before all the seizures he loved playing ball so it made me so happy to see him trying to play ball!! His lil body is still outta wack from the Phenobarb I think, at least I sure to hope its just the medication making him have a hard time walking and affecting his motor skills! hes now able to jump up on the couch and onto my bed, and he can even do it with a ball or toy in his mouth! so hes showing progress, i just want him to be the same lil Hulky when its all said and done, I hope he adjusts to the Phenobarb just fine! Also I wish he'd start goin to the bathroom outside again! I take him out on his leash and he won't do anything!! He just keeps going in his kennel making a mess for me to constantly clean up!! BOOOOO!! but anywho!!! I leave for Oregon in less than a week and I'm so freakin excited!! I just can't wait to be away from Texas for a bit, away from stress and drama and most of all I can't wait to see Jonathan!! =) yay!! it shall be a good good time!!

*this my lil man Hulk as a puppy!! hes so handsome*

rough weekend...

it has been a very rough weekend for me, my lil dog Hulk got very sick, he's been having seizures left and right and it got pretty bad, luckily i was able to take him to the vet clinic i work at and Dr. Warren pumped him full of meds and hes sleeping as peaceful as possible...pray for my lil man...

Bleeding from the head sux!

OH my head hurts! Saturday night was crazy, went to a house warming party for my brothers best friend Andy and this g/f Christina. Andy is like my big bro and Christina is an old friend from High School. Well we all end up getting pretty drunk and at 1 point me and the girls were in the kitchen playing around on myspace! well some other drunk chick bumped into, or like pushed into me knocking me over into the kitchen island! well i fall and hit my head on the edge of the counter and busted it open! it BLED so much! i had blood all over the back of my new shirt and everything! it sux! we ended up getting the bleeding to stop so thats good, but i still have a gash back there and its swollen and feels like I have a golf ball lodged in the back of my skull! LOL! So besides having to deal with probably having a concussion I had to deal with Christina's lil brother hitting on me the whole night! Its this little 19 yr old puppy dog of a kid that totally has the hots for me! he sits and stares at my pictures on myspace, and he was even goin as far as sayin to Andy earlier in the day "oh yay my girlfriend is coming over tonight" um seriously? I'm totally not ur girlfriend! WTF! I remember he kept making me drinks that night and they were just getting stronger and stronger so I think he was trying to get me drunk?! he wouldn't stop touching me and kept crowding me! i wanted to kick him! he kept sayin how much he likes me and how good of a couple we would make, and i was just like DUDE!!!! your cute and all but not my type and too young, and he just wouldn't have it! so i even tell him how I'm goin to Oregon at the end of the month to go see another GUY! its like do ya get the hint now! i'm gonna travel over 1000 miles to see Jonathan kinda looks like i may have the hots for him, no some puppy dog kiddo!! lol! geez!! then if thats not creepy enough about him i get a text Sunday night he was like 'yeah i was running by ur house and saw ur garage door was wide open, just wanted to let you know' OMG I'm being stalked now! he said he had to run the calories off from all the beer he drank the night before....ok then run in ur part of the neighborhood, not by my house ur creep kid! lol, whats next, lookin in my windows while i sleep??? CREEPY!!! ugh! So now my head is hurting and throbbing! its no fun! NO FUN AT ALL!!!

*Christina and Me sharing a STRONG ass drink the stalker made me*

YUCK!!

Seriously!

Well yesterday I broke the news to Nick about me goin up to Oregon to see Jonathan...first off, i was terrified to tell him because he can be somewhat of a loose canon and I was unsure how he would react..and most everyone was asking me why I was even gonna tell him at all that its really none of his business anymore about what I do or where I go OR WHO I do it with...but I just felt like he should know, he would find out anyway, and I didn't want it to be from someone else or through myspace, and I didn't want him to need something and call me while I was up there and me just be like 'oh yeah sorry can't help I'm up in Oregon!' I just wanted to be respectful about the whole situation. Well I ended up telling him over the phone yesterday while i was here at work, at first he was mad, he thought it was "fucked up" and I asked him how so?! Its my life my money my choice, its not like he and i were still together so how is it Fucked up that I was gonna go do something that is gonna make me happy!?! but after a couple minutes of him being like that he apologized about sayin it was fucked up and he actually said "as long as ur happy then I'll be happy for you" SERIOUSLY!!! i was not expecting that at all!! I figured he'd be so upset and angry over it all but he was actually calm and civil for the most part! I think this really helped him understand that it really is time for him to move on because I certainly have! I'm just so relieved that he was an adult about it all, and didn't try to bash me or my decisions or bash Jonathan as well!! So yay, yesterday was a good, stress free day and I'm hoping it'll just stay that way if not get even better!! =)

*this was at ally cats for Jonathan's going away party, it was fun but sad*

Yay...Vacation!

Well, its official...I booked my vacation and I can't wait!! =) I'm set to leave August 27th at noon, to go to Oregon to see Jonathan!! Yippie! I have a layover in Phoenix so then I'll be arriving in Portland, Or around 4:40PM!! I leave there around 1:30pm Tuesday September 2nd, and on my way back i have like a 3 hour layover in...Las Vegas!! Yeah BOY!!! so i'll be playing the slots at the airport to pass the time! hehe! I have less than 3 weeks and I'll be getting to have some fun in Oregon w/the boy!! woot! I can't wait, it'll just be nice to get away for a while, cooler weather and pretty scenery ...among other things! LAWL!! i got so much to do before I leave tho!! I gotta find a hoodie to take up there since it'll be nice and cool! no more 107 degree weather for a week!...now I just gotta figure out how to break the news to Nick, I know its not really his business anymore of where i go on vacation and who I'm going to see, but i just dont want him to find out from someone else, because he would be so upset...eh, hes gonna be upset about this no matter what, but I gotta do what Jonathan says and not let that stress me out, and not worry bout it, just worry about having fun! And ohhhhh boy, do I plan on having me some FUN!!!

hahaha Its My First Time..

So I am new to this whole blogging thing! One of my close friends and co-workers at the Clinic Megan is on here and I read up on her blog and figured I should start one as well, just kinda get things off my mind and stuff! 2008 has been and interesting and chaotic year for me, so much has changed just in the last month, but I think it has changed for the better! I was with my ex boyfriend for nearly 5 years, and we just split last month on July 4th, funny, i get my independence back on Independence day....it was somewhat mutual but mainly my doing...i was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to, I cared so much about him and his well being that i never wanted to hurt Nick...it broke my heart to break his! I'm one of those kinda people that would rather be unhappy as long as everyone else around me is happy and content! probably a great quality in me, yet a horrible one too, because what about my happiness? Hell, I'm only 22 years old, i need to be happy! And I began to realize that too, i didnt wanna sit back and reflect on my life when I'm in my 30's still just so unhappy wishing I would've done something about it sooner, so I did do something about it....it kinda took nick to almost convince me to do what i needed to do, cuz deep down I think he knew what i wanted and needed before i even did! He didnt want to see me so unhappy anymore! so we went our separate ways, and its not like it was simple, we lived together, bought things like a BIG ASS pillow top bed together and have 3 doggies together! So its kidna like a divorce! I've kept all the doggies cuz I can't trust him to be able to take care of them, because of his work schedule and ummm habits i shall say, I moved out and back in with my parents! It kinda sux to be my age living with the parents but its not too bad really, i get to live there for free and yay for home cooked meals!! =) I just get a lil lonely! if I'm not out with Meg, Shawn & Josh, or Amy I'm at home just chilling in my room with my Lil Sugars, playin around on the internet and talking to Jonathan online on MSN. This hasnt been the easiest transition to make but I'm managing, mainly because my friends have been there to help me through it! So to all my badass friends that have been there for me THANK YOU!! So between the actaul breakup, and all the drama following it for the past month, things seem to be slowing looking up. Nick and I are able to be friends I think and hang out w/o fighthing too much, hes still so sad and emo about it but I can understand that, he did loose a pretty kickass chick! lol! But I'm just ready for him to move on and accept the fact that we really are over this time and i want nothing more than to be good friends, and not fuck buddies like he thought could happen, Oh that pissed me off, really can't believe the nerve he had to ask that...anyways, I am certainly moving on...through all this I became closer to a couple people, Meg is one, we work at the vet clinic together and have both gone through the exact same thing...she broke up with her man just 2 days before my breakup pretty much same circumstances as well, so it was nice that we had each others shoulders to cry on and help each other through it, i love that girl and would do anything to help her out! Yay for vodka and wild turkey huh meg! geez! Also the other person for me the most through this was Jonathan...=) he makes me smile no matter what! he just knew what to say or what to do to make me not think of the breakup or dwell on the drama...i spent every single free moment with that boy from the time of my breakup up til the day he left for Oregon...=( I miss him like crazy and it sux, but i do talk to him like 24/7 online or texting! i honestly didnt think we'd talk this much but we do and it helps! I got really close to him before he left and really attached for that matter as well...its just nice knowing you have someone who is willing to help you, cheer you up, and make ya feel good (in more ways than one, teehee) I love waking up to his sweet text messages, it makes my day brighter! I do miss him like crazy, but hopefully it wont be for too much longer! I'm hopefully going to be booking my vacation today...YAY Oregon here I come! if I do get to go it'll be Aug 27th thru Sept. 2nd. I'm super excited, I've never been to Oregon so it'll be fun to see a new state, plus i get to see the boy again!! woot! yay it'll be movie nights, sunsets, pretty blue rivers, stargazing (which i think is the sweetest cutest text message i've gotten from him, he said when i get there we gotta find a place to just look at the stars!! simple things like that make my heart smile and give me that butterfly feeing in my stomach, a feeling I havent felt in a long ass time). So i'm gonna keep my fingers crossed and hope i get to book that flight today, plus i just wanna get way from this HOT ASS Tx weather...seriously I'm melting over here! Well, I think that pretty much sums up the drama of last month, basically heartbreak, cry, happy times, drunkenness....swimming pool & hot tubs ;), more sadness and booze, happy cuddly time, jon's goin away party, SUPER SADNESS at the airport dropping the boy off, margaritas with meg while we pout, then more drama, then finally calmness and some happiness for the moment....and it'll only hopefully get better....