why do you have to ask questions you dont really know if you want the answers to? I'm back into depressed mode and it sux....i hate this and just wanna give up on the whole situation but i cant cuz i care too much and i'm tired of this perpetual turmoil my brain is in...do i fight for what i want and give even for or just throw in the towel, cuz chances are its gonna be and epic failure? FUCK IT ALL!! BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it sux that even a funny sitcom show can make you feel worse in ur state of depression. The show is all about friendships, sex, relationships and stuff like that and it just throws my mind in to a whirlwind of mixed emotions...sex, yeah need it badly right now, everyone else around me gets it....well ALOT of it, and its not like there arent a couple ppl i could go to right now and be like 'um yeah i need sex so how bout you help me out in this predicament' but i dont want that meaningless random sex just to get off...but i see a show where a guy does anything to show a certain girl he cares for just how he feels...and i makes me sad cuz i just want that one guy to show me and give me hope.

i heard a line from my show and it really caught my attention...'time spent wishing is wasted time'....man have i wasted alot of time in my life....especailly these past couple weeks....the one thing i really wish for doesnt look like it'll happen anytime soon....but i'm a hopeless wishful person that'll just keep wishing this deep down inside and maybe one day it'll come true....ugh i ran outta mixer for my vodka.....

i hate my brain sometimes.
a freaking horrible day at work yesterday put my brain into overdrive
i cried the whole way home from the clinic
took a hot shower, and just sat under the steaming water, crying.

i'm tired of cryin,
i'm tired of hurting,
i'm tired of pain,
i'm tired of being sick,
i'm tired of being lonely,
i'm tired of living in a dream world,
i'm tired of peoples bullshit,
i'm tired of stuborness,
i'm tired of this,
i'm tired of that,
i'm tired of all the feelings i have that possibly arent returned
i'm tired of trying to think i can help eveyone,
i'm tired of feeling guilty when i shouldn't
i'm tired of wishful thinking,
i'm tired of work,
i'm tired of feeling strongly for some things when i probably shouldn't
i'm tired of feeling depressed.....
i'm tired OF IT ALL!!!

it was a shitty day yesterday and today doesnt seem better, I try and be there for everyone all the time when they need me and when i really need to talk, or vent or just need a shoulder to cry on its not there...i just kinda got really depressed all of a sudden and i'm not feeling any better, i hate being such an emotional girl sometimes, i just have a lot of passion in me and no one to share it with or whatever, i sit at home alone most of the time talking on line to a silly boy i adore and what do i get outta that? i get joy cuz i'm getting to talk to him but i also get pain and heartache cuz thats all it is is just talking over a damn computer, i wanna sit by him and talk to him face to face and hold his freakin hand again.....boo i hate being alone and feeling like this...i dunno what to do anymore i cant be all emo sad like this, i was doin ok until yesterday, everything just feel apart, i was being strong and it just stopped....i'm tired of this! BOO!

WooT

Yay for finally feeling better and sitting around in new boy short panties and being lazy just playing around online!! feels good!! lol! it was a stressful day yesterday, i keep worrying about my ex cuz he's in a bad place but i think and hope he'll snap outta it a get on a better path, all i can do is hope and try and give him the best advice possible....but I feel better so i may go get a tattoo today!!! wooooohoooooo! OH!!! and i may possibly go back to see the boy in November for my birthday! i hope so cuz i miss him and the pretty state of Oregon!!!

*oh and thank you Megan for introducing me to the BADASS version of Lollipop by Framing Hanley!!!! So sexy!!*

why is it that things just don't work out the way you want them to? I just sux, you make a big decision in your life and you finally realize you made the right decision but its still hard at times, then the one person that really helped you through this crazy difficult time is gone, and all you wanna do is spend time with them? It sux, I did something stupid and fell for someone I shouldn't have cause I knew he was leaving but I still had to fall for him...now he's freakin over a thousand miles away and it hurts even more that I just saw him last week. I miss him even more and its so hard to deal with it! I'm just lost and I don't know how to feel anymore...do I continue to like him even though hes so far away and it doesn't look like he'll be coming back to Tx anytime soon or give up? I don't wanna give up though cuz hes such a kickass guy, but how long to I wait?

lakehwrojqawrnfl;zdkuw3j vweksd9aruaewjdclk <---thats how my freakin brain feels right now! lol!

Oregon vacation

well I'm back in Texas from my vacation to Oregon =( I had a freaking blast though!! I'm just sad because I miss that boy like crazy already!

So it was my first time to fly all by myself and surprisingly I did quite well if I may say so myself! lol! I got to the airport plenty early so I was able to have a drink at the bar to calm my nerves! I flew from DFW to Phoenix and had like an hour layover there then the plane was delayed by like 30 minutes then I flew from there into Portland Oregon! I was just so damn excited to be there I called Jonathan as soon as I got off the plane and was like 'I'M HERE I'M HERE WHERE ARE YOU AT...." well I got the bad news that none of his roommates wanted to get into rush hour traffic to go to the airport so I had to get on some little train thingy all by myself and then they were gonna pick me up from the station....I was a lil upset cuz I just wanted to see him and didn't want to travel alone anymore! But it was ok...the train took about an hour and I got off and waited at the station for him! After about 10 minutes he pulled up with his room mate and I ran up to him and gave him a BIG hug and a kiss and I wasn't upset anymore that I had to take the train by myself! It was worth it!!! The night I got in we just kinda lounged around and ordered pizza and I must say I was very entertained by the pizza tracker online! LOL!! it freakin tells you step by step the progress of your pizza! ZOMG it was fun!! lol!!! anywho it was just a lazy movie night and we got to cuddle and I enjoyed every minute of cuddling!! I missed it so much!! and I missed everything else we ended up doing that night! lol...dirty drity naughty things!! =) the next day we walked to the movie theater to see Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder! They were both really funny! Man we walked SOOOOOO much! but it was just so pretty outside it was nice to walk everywhere, though it did get a lil Nippy at night! lawl! oh but sleeping with the windows open was wonderful! I love the cool night air blowing in through the windows.....oh I wanna go back! We also took the train into Portland and played around there for the day! Yay for walking by the river, and street festivals and Chinese food YUMMY, finally we went into buffalo wild wings and spent a couple hours in there drinking and hanging out! We got a lil tipsy and it was fun!

*my yummy drink at BWW*

So Portland was fun and we were so tired when we got back in we took like a 3 hr nap!! lol! then I think I drank more Vodka!! lol! I ended up drinking a whole bottle of Vodka by myself while I was up there! teehee! Then my last day there we made a trip to the Oregon Zoo! it was lots of fun as well, I felt like a lil kid cuz I love the zoo! we also went back into Portland after the zoo to go eat some Ice Cream by the river, it was cute! =) the next day was super hard and sad though cuz it was time for me to leave=( and the morning just sucked, first the bus we had to take to the train station thingy was like 45 minutes late, so we get on the train and i start to kinda cry which i did off and on the whole train ride but he just kept his arms around me and would kiss me and tell me it'll be ok....i just didn't wanna leave! So by the time we got to the airport and i got checked in (which they barely let me even check in) i had to run from security to the gate....I'm still super sad that because I was in such a rush I barely even got to give him a hug and kiss bye! so I was running through the airport crying my eyes out and was the last person to board my flight I think, but I called him when i boarded so he knew I made cuz he stuck around just incase I missed my flight! And i cried to him saying I didn't even get to really say goodbye and that broke my heart! =( so we headed to Vegas and I either cried of slept the whole way there! my layover in vegas was long and I felt sick so it sucked! Me and Jonathan are actually both sick right now...I think it was from the cool weather and just all the activitiy we did caught up to us! But on my flight back from Vegas to DFW Vinny Paul sat 2 rows behind me!! That was pretty badass!!! I finally got home around 1:30 in the morning and just talked to the boy online for a while and finally crashed! the next day I was so Emo and I still am! haha! I'm just sad cuz I miss him and don't know when I'll see him again....maybe I can find another cheap flight and go back up there when its all snowy outside!! WooT!! I just wish the goober would move back down here and then I'd be happy!! lawl!!

*happy tipsy face*